Shock and Awe

If the universe is indeed one big machine made of trillions of parts moving in time, then it knew that I was best served showing up late to my job interview today. It wasn't exactly and interview. More like an audition. 26 artists entered a single conference room to compete for a limited number of teaching positions at a respectable nonprofit. And I was one of them.

I left home an hour early to make sure that I'd have time to go over my presentation. But the F train was all but nonexistent, and by the time I hopped an A to make the walk over to Soho, I was running out of time. I got there six minutes late and ended up in the 23rd spot out of the 26 folks there. I would be going almost dead last. And when there's judging involved, that can hurt you. It didn't help that another person before me had the same presentation plan as I did. Hence it was time for a freestyle.

As a Scorpio I'm brutally competitive by nature. This can be good when it comes to things like cooking and sex and the quality of the work I aim to put out. But when it comes to positioning I can sometimes go overboard. Still, when it comes to field where I'm strong I don't find it necessary.

I look at what everyone else is and isn't doing, and then I pull my bow back and take the most accurate shot I can, always aiming for the kill. As I'm a writer I showcased my own writing, a poem I'd just written on the train. I separated my fellow competitors into two groups and had them create the lines of a group poem. Half of them would talk about themselves. The other half would talk about us as a group.

I directed like Bugs Bunny as Leopold, aiming to stay under time and to keep the room's full attention. I spoke loudly. I spoke strongly. And when I was done it felt like my peers clapped harder than they had for so many others. Many even gave me more praise as they left. I think I did well. And even if the judges don't agree I know that I gave it my best, that my face and voice would be ones that they would remember even if they never saw or heard from me again.

There's a military term called "shock and awe" or "establishing dominance". The idea of it is that you kill flies with hammers so that your opponent will recognize that he or she can't compete. It was why I socked that kid in the mouth in computer class in the 7th grade, and why I tore that other kids shirt while hitting him repeatedly that same year long ago. In a school that was half full of project residents sentenced to three years in tracked sections I had to make it clear that I wasn't easy prey. In those times my rage had made it easy. But when I am calm bringing forth the storm is a bit more difficult.

Today I found myself thinking about that scene in Slam where Saul Williams is on the prison yard, holding back insurgent inmates bent on killing him with nothing but his words. I have taken people apart before without a punch. I have leveled intangible blocks with verbal H-Bombs. After so much time in ice I'm learning to be fire all over again. Sometimes it makes me smile. Other times it scares the shit out of me. Out.